


Cracks in My Heart

by stormqueen873



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Feels, Episode Reaction, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode s0104 Raising Hell, Family Feels, Gen, Introspection, Isabelle Being Awesome, Jace Lightwood Feels, M/M, POV Jace Lightwood, Parabatai, Spoilers, Unrequited Love, Women Being Awesome, boys being stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 06:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5957476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormqueen873/pseuds/stormqueen873
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jace, Isabelle, and Alec in the post-memory demon aftermath. Takes place after their arrival back at the institute, but before Jace's conversation with Clary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cracks in My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> When I watched the fourth episode, I could not get Jace's expression during the memory demon part out of my head, and this is the result. I'm sure this will soon be non-canon, as the next episode airs, but for now, this is how I see this conversation going down.
> 
> Features Isabelle trying to help, Jace panicking (slightly), and Alec still deep in denial over his own sexuality, hopefully all in character, at least for the show. Completely un-beta'd, so all mistakes are my own.

“…well, _that_ could have gone better.”

Jace glanced over at Isabelle as she flopped onto his bed; he and the others went their separate ways the moment they returned to the institute after the disaster with the memory demon, though he knew Isabelle walked Clary back to her room. Alec, however, vanished before Jace even turned around, but Jace couldn’t exactly blame him. If their positions were reversed…

“You can say that again,” he muttered as he carefully removed his jacket. He tried not to wince and hiss, but it was impossible; by the Angel, he probably had a cracked rib or two. His entire chest was on fire. “What are you doing here, Izzy? I’m fine.”

She tilted her head back, and she fixed him with a _look_ from her upside down position. “You know that macho loner thing doesn’t work on me,” she replied before she swung herself upright, and she plucked up her _stele_ and twirled it between her fingers. “Don’t worry. I’m not here to mess up your freaky, military bed corners, or throw your closet into chaos.”

Jace arched an eyebrow. “You say that, but you always start pawing through my drawers,” he said as she got to her feet. “Again. What are you doing here?”

She waggled her _stele_ at him and she smiled. “My healing runes might not be as good as Alec’s, but…” She paused and sighed. “Well, seeing as how Alec’s probably locked himself in his room for the foreseeable future, I’m all you’ve got.”

Jace’s jaw clenched and he looked away. “Good. He can stay there,” he said as he reached for the bottom of his shirt, and Isabelle clicked her tongue.

_“Jace,”_ she said, and his head jerked up as his eyes narrowed.

“No, Iz,” he snapped. “He messed up tonight. He _really_ messed up tonight.” Jace’s fingers tightened on the hem of his shirt. “And he didn’t even _apologize._ That’s the worst part. We have no way to restore Clary’s memories thanks to him, and he doesn’t even –”

Jace cut himself off and he blew out a breath through his nose as his teeth ground together. “Not to mention that I could’ve been _killed,”_ he continued. “What was he _thinking?!”_

Isabelle arched an eyebrow at him before she reached out and yanked his shirt off.

_“Isabelle!”_ Fire blazed up and down his chest and back, and he fell onto the bed as he struggled to breathe. He wrapped his arms around himself, and he _glared_ up at her once the pain subsided enough for him to see straight. “Dammit, Izzy, what was that for?”

“Think of it like ripping off a band aid,” she said as she crossed her arms over her chest. “We would’ve been here all night waiting for you to get it off. And I _really_ want a shower right about now. So sit up and let me draw the rune.”

She crooked a finger and Jace grumbled, but he pushed himself up. It was slow-going; each muscle twitch sent a fresh wave of torment through his body, and Isabelle rolled her eyes.

_“Boys,”_ she muttered as she grabbed Jace’s arm and pulled him up the rest of the way. “I swear. No matter how old you get, you are such _children.”_

Jace opened his mouth to argue, but Isabelle leaned in and drew a swift _iratze_ in the middle of his chest, right over his heart. Jace let out a breath as the golden rune sank into his skin, and the pain from his ribs immediately dampened. Isabelle’s gaze flicked up from the rune to his face, and she smiled slightly.

“Thank the Angel for these, hm?” she murmured as she drew another on his side, and Jace lifted his arms to allow her to draw a third on his other side. “There. Better?”

“Much,” he said as he nodded, and he lowered his arms. “Thank you, Izzy.”

“Mm,” she said as she stepped back. “Remember that next time I want to go shopping and need a partner.”

He made a face, and she laughed as she reached out and patted his cheek. “Just kidding,” she said as she twirled her _stele_ again. “Clean up and get yourself something to eat. I’d offer to make you something, but I’ve got a hot bath calling my name, so I’ll leave you to it.”

Jace rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mom,” he said as Isabelle turned for the door, and he got up and reached down for his discarded shirt.

“Jace?”

“Hm?” he murmured as he straightened, and he looked over at Isabelle, who lingered in the doorway. She glanced back at him as she rested a hand on the doorjamb, and his eyebrows lifted; she wore a strange, pensive look, and his brows furrowed as he met her gaze.

“About what happened tonight,” she said, and ice spread from Jace’s stomach.

“Alec panicked,” he said as he turned away. “He panicked over nothing and screwed up. End of story, Iz.”

She sighed. “You _know –”_

_“No!”_ he snapped, and he yanked his jacket off the bed. “Stop it, Isabelle. Okay? Just _stop._ It was _nothing.”_ He shook his head. “Don’t think I didn’t see what the demon took from you, Iz. Or do you and I need to have a serious talk about _your_ relationship?”

“Dammit, Jace, it’s different and you know it!” she snapped back, and Jace glared at her over his shoulder. “Don’t give me that look!”

“I’ll give you whatever look I want! Because what you’re suggesting right now? It’s _crazy,”_ he said as he drew himself up. “Okay? So _stop._ Go take your shower. We’ll meet tomorrow morning to figure out what we do next.”

Isabelle drew in a deep breath as she bristled, but Jace just turned and walked away. He stepped into his bathroom and shut the door behind him, and he heard Isabelle curse at him, but she stormed out and slammed the door behind her.

Jace let out a breath and he fell back against the bathroom door. He closed his eyes for a long moment –

_A flash of smoke, glowing red eyes, and Alec’s cry of horror –_

Jace’s eyes snapped open.

_Shower,_ he told himself as he pushed himself away from the door. _Shower, food, sleep. It was nothing. Dammit, it was_ nothing.

He spent a little longer under the spray than he normally did; he wasn’t one to linger when something could be done quickly, but tonight, his stomach was in knots and his heart was in his throat, and his head –

Well, was a mess. They failed tonight, almost disastrously so, all because Alec actually _panicked._ And for what? Because he saw something he didn’t expect? Jace shook his head. Thank the Angel that he taught Clary the proper way to use their blades, or else that greater demon might’ve killed them all.

_And thank the Angel she pulled it off,_ he thought as he stepped out of the shower and toweled himself off. He wrapped the towel around his waist when he was done, before he ran his fingers through his hair and slicked it back. He reached out and wiped away the condensation on the mirror –

His own face stared back at him from the large streak left by his palm, and he met his reflection’s gaze as his heart leapt into his throat.

_So what if Alec saw me. So what if that demon took a memory of me,_ Jace thought as his jaw clenched. _So what!_

He and Alec were _parabatai._ They were sworn partners, warriors bound by a sacred oath to fight at each other’s side, to live and die together. To be _buried_ beside each other. Of course they cared about each other. Of course they loved each other. They were _brothers._ It didn’t mean anything else!

_Alec’s cry of horror –_

Jace turned away from the mirror. He crossed his arms over his chest and fell back against the counter, and he stared at the shower without seeing it. He remembered the punch to the gut when he saw his own face in the whirlwind; he remembered the confusion, the disbelief, before he turned to look at Alec, but Alec –

Alec was white as a sheet. Alec was _terrified._

_Dammit,_ Jace thought as he slid down against the counters, and his hands buried in his hair. _Dammit, Alec, what the hell was that? So what that you saw me! Izzy saw you! So what if you love me –_

The most. The demon took a memory of the person you loved the most. And Alec loved _him_ the most.

Jace growled. And why shouldn’t Alec? By the Angel, they were _parabatai!_ Jace couldn’t think of anyone he loved more than Alec, except perhaps his father. So why shouldn’t Alec love him the most? They were blood in all but name.

_Then why the cry of horror?_ part of him whispered. _Why the panic and terror? Why did he tear himself away? Why couldn’t he bear the sight of the memory?_

Alec wasn’t – he wasn’t _in love_ with Jace. It wasn’t – it wasn’t _possible._

_Damn it all, Izzy, why did you put this in my head?_ Jace thought as his nails scraped against his scalp. _Alec doesn’t love me like that. He_ can’t _love me like that. We are_ parabatai. _It’s forbidden!_

In fact, what Isabelle suggested was so forbidden that he couldn’t believe she even said it out loud. Alec could be stripped of his marks, exiled, or _worse_ if anyone suspected what she said were true. For her to bring it up _here,_ in the heart of the institute – by the Angel, what if someone heard? What if _Hodge_ heard? Jace’s stomach turned at the very thought.

No, their best course of action was silence on this. No one could know what happened. No one could –

Jace’s eyes snapped open. _Bane,_ he thought as his heart pounded. _Damn it all, the warlock. He said something to Alec as we left. Does he know? Did he guess?_

Jace couldn’t blame him for making the assumption; judging by Alec’s response, there was little other way to take it, unless one really knew Alec.

Besides, it didn’t matter if it were true or not. From the simple implication alone, Magnus Bane had the kind of leverage against a shadowhunter that many Downworlders would kill for. He held Alec’s life in his hands, and Jace’s stomach tied itself into knots.

_How do we prevent him from turning to blackmail? By the Angel, this is the last thing we need,_ Jace thought as his forehead hit his knees. _Alec, why did you have to panic like that? Now I have to talk to Izzy and we need to find a way to bail your ass out of this, before he turns you into some kind of lackey._

Jace got to his feet and went to his closet to pull on clothes. He yanked on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie before he headed for the door. For all they knew, Magnus Bane wanted the Mortal Cup as much as anyone else, and with the new-found trump card, he could demand it from Alec, and Alec –

Jace stopped. Well, Alec would probably rather die than do anything that went against the Clave.

Granted, Alec usually fell in with Jace and Isabelle, but they were _family._ Of course he’d fall in with them. Handing over the Mortal Cup was far beyond that; Jace knew Alec would sacrifice himself if that was the choice put before him.

And besides. Who among the Clave would believe Magnus if he tried to suggest anything?

_Dammit,_ Jace thought as his forehead hit the door, and his hand closed around the doorknob. _What a mess. Alec, how could you even_ think _you were in love with me?_

Alec wasn’t even gay! Alec wasn’t –

Was he?

Jace slumped against the door a little. He and Alec joked about girls – no, that wasn’t right. Alec nagged him about girls, but then, he nagged Isabelle about boys. And he never once mentioned any sort of preference; in fact, Isabelle constantly joked that Alec was so repressed –

_She knew,_ Jace thought as he sucked in a breath. _All this time, she’s known exactly what was going on. She knew Alec was gay and just kept trying to get him to admit it._

Gay. Alec was _gay._

_Fuck,_ Jace thought as he dragged a hand down his face. _It is too late for this right now._

His stomach growled in agreement, and Jace sighed. Healing runes were wonderful, but they required fuel to work properly; the energy had to come from somewhere, after all. And he was long-overdue.

_I’ll deal with this tomorrow. I’ll deal with all of this tomorrow,_ he thought as he opened his door –

Alec stood in the doorway, hand poised to knock.

Well. _Damn._

“Hey,” Jace said, and he could’ve patted himself on his back for how steady his voice was. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorjamb before he continued. “What’s up? Need a healing rune?”

Alec slowly lowered his hand, and it was a moment before he spoke. Jace watched several emotions flicker across Alec’s face in the silence; it shifted through shock, regret, and possibly even longing, before it shuttered as Alec pressed his lips together.

“That’s what I came here to ask,” he said as he lifted his _stele,_ and his voice was just as steady as Jace’s. “You took a beating today. And you weren’t walking right once we got back home.”

“So you did notice,” Jace said, and he steeled himself when Alec grimaced. “I was wondering.”

“Jace –”

“It’s okay,” he interrupted. “Izzy hooked me up. I’m fine.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Was there anything else? Because I really want to get something to eat.”

Alec’s jaw clenched. “I’m sorry,” he said, and his fingers curled and uncurled against his palms before he crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I should’ve done it right when the demon –”

Alec cut himself off, and Jace shook his head as he met Alec’s gaze. “You shouldn’t have let go in the first place,” Jace said, and Alec’s jaw clenched again while his shoulders tensed. “Well, what’s done is done, right? We’ll meet tomorrow to figure out what our next move is.”

“Jace –”

Jace held up a hand, and Alec bristled. _“Stop it,”_ Alec snapped as he grabbed Jace’s wrist, and Jace blinked. “Stop interrupting me. I’m trying –”

“Trying to _what,_ Alec? Apologize for not healing me sooner? I don’t care,” Jace snapped back. “That’s not the bigger issue here.”

He yanked his wrist free from Alec’s grip, and he grabbed Alec’s shoulder as he leaned in. “You let a _demon_ mess with your head,” he hissed. “Alec, you _know better!_ What were you _thinking?”_

Alec jerked back, and he shoved Jace’s hand from his shoulder as his eyes hardened. “That’s none of your business,” he said, and he grabbed Jace’s wrist again when Jace reached out. “It won’t happen again.”

“…won’t happen again?” Jace demanded. “Do you know how far you’ve set us back, Alec?”

Alec’s grip on him tightened. “That’s all you care about? How far I’ve set us back?” he snapped. “Seriously, Jace?”

Jace drew in a breath. “And what exactly am I supposed to care about? The fact –”

He cut himself off and looked up and down the hall, before he yanked Alec into his room. He shut the door before he whirled on Alec. “The fact that you saw _my face?”_ he hissed, and he shook his head. “I don’t care! I’m your brother! Why shouldn’t you see me?!”

Alec opened and closed his mouth. “I – you… you don’t…?” Alec managed as he stared at Jace, and Jace arched an eyebrow.

“C’mon, Alec, use full sentences,” he said, and Alec glared at him. “I know you never say much, but seriously. This is worse than all that huffing you do.”

“Oh shut up, Jace,” Alec snapped as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Asshole.”

“Takes one to know one,” Jace said as he smirked, and Alec rolled his eyes before he muttered something in Spanish. “Now that’s just mean.”

“You haven’t even seen mean,” Alec replied, but his voice lacked much of its earlier heat, and Jace looked up at him before he swallowed.

Alec was miserable.

Oh, he hid it well. To anyone else, Alec would look downright surly; he wore his most unimpressed face, but Alec could never completely mask his eyes. And as Jace watched, those eyes cycled between disinterested, and devastated.

_By the Angel,_ Jace thought as his arms fell to his sides. _Does he actually think he’s in love with me?_

It was a punch to the gut all over again. There was no way. There was no way Alec could be. Sure, maybe he was gay. Jace didn’t care about that, not when he really thought about it. So what if Alec was into guys? He just couldn’t be into _Jace._ And not because it made Jace uncomfortable or anything; they were _parabatai._

_How do I fix this?_ Jace thought as he pressed his lips together. _How do I get us back to where we were?_

Jace drew in a breath. There was only one thing for it, really.

“Look,” he murmured as he drew himself up a little. “Alec, I really don’t get why you freaked out. Okay? That’s why I’m so upset. Like I said. So what if you saw me. Izzy saw _you,_ and no one cared. So why would I care about this? It’s not like you’ve got a girlfriend you’re supposed to love more than anyone else.”

Alec flinched, but he made a sound at the back of his throat, and to Jace’s relief, some of the tension went from his shoulders. “Yeah,” he said as he looked away. “Guess there was no one else it could’ve been. We’re _parabatai.”_

“Exactly,” Jace said as he slapped Alec’s shoulder. “You get where I’m coming from now?”

Alec looked up at him, and Jace swallowed; Alec’s eyes were flat, and frankly, empty. “Yeah,” he said. “I get it. Sorry, I shouldn’t have freaked out. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Well, you didn’t want to do it in the first place,” Jace said. “Of course you’d take it all the wrong way.”

Alec snorted softly. “Yeah, seriously,” he said, and Jace slapped his shoulder again.

“I’m gonna go get something to eat. Wanna come?” Jace asked, and Alec shook his head.

“I’m just gonna go crash,” he said before he stepped around Jace. “Wake me up if you need another healing rune. I swore I heard your ribs crack.”

“You probably did,” Jace said as he opened the door for him. “Seems like Izzy did a good job on the runes, though. I’m not hurting at all.” Jace drew up a grin. “If you’re not careful, she’ll get just as good as you.”

Alec hummed and he stepped out of the room. “I’d be glad if she did. Less people would come whining to me when they need one,” he said, and Jace leaned against the doorjamb. Alec paused in the hall as he looked at Jace, and Jace gave him a tight smile.

“First thing tomorrow morning, we’re going to go over everything and figure out our next step,” Jace said before Alec could speak. “Last one there has to wake Izzy and eat whatever she makes for breakfast.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “She’s only screwed up cooking once, Jace,” he said as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Everything else has been fine.”

“…fine. You think consistently confusing sugar and salt is fine,” Jace replied as he lifted his eyebrows, before he patted Alec’s shoulder. “Well, if you like that sort of thing, you won’t be afraid of losing tomorrow, will you?”

Alec made a face before he shook his head a little. “Good night, Jace,” he said as he turned and walked down the hall. Jace just smirked at his retreating form.

“Night, Alec,” he replied, and his smirk vanished the moment Alec was out of sight.

_Fuck,_ he thought as his forehead hit the doorjamb. He hated lying to Alec, but –

There was no other way to fix things. They couldn’t really discuss it, especially not here, in the middle of the institute. Maybe Jace would drag him out to a crowded bar one night, if it continued to be a problem.

For now, though –

_Food,_ Jace thought as his stomach growled. _Let’s go get some food._

***

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you curious about Jace's expression:
> 
> https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CaVi_rFWcAEphzi.jpg:large
> 
> (I'll figure out the archive posting process, really...)


End file.
